I was reading a friend’s blog and he has a series on Proverbs. A couple of days ago he had written this.
“The sluggard says, ‘There is a lion outside!’
or ‘I will be murdered in the streets!’” – 22:13.
John Stanko
Kate sent this to me a day after I’d read that post. And it rang true with me. Maybe I am a little lazy when it comes to creating things. For about a year I’ve been designing tessellation patterns and I’ve wanted to get into the fabric designing industry, or do SOMETHING that would allow me to make enough income to do surface design or something a little more creative than what I’m doing now.
So I ask myself, “what am I waiting for?”
I think that I have a set of fears, however irrational or valid or whatever, that are getting in my way of truly figuring out what it is I want to do and doing it from a creative standpoint.
But I’m filled with excuses about why I can’t proceed. It’s like I’m on the edge of the pool, and I know how to swim but because it’s a little deep I’m afraid I won’t be able to tread water for as long as I have to. I design patterns, and then I want to see them come to fruition in some form or fashion for the people around me, but for some reason I don’t see that happen. It’s like a hobby that I can’t seem to make into a full time thing. Then I doubt myself, “Do you really want this?”
Kate thinks I just want to be known for something. She’s said in the past that I identify with things or people or whatever and then that thing becomes what I’m about. I think that to an extent that’s somewhat true. I ask you, who doesn’t see a biker gang on the highway and wonder what it’s like to be hanging out with them after a long day’s ride?
I would really like to brand myself or be known for something. I mean, I think that creative people feel that they need to be known for something. I don’t think that that’s the issue. The issue is fears that get in the way of my figuring out what I want to do and be known for from a creative standpoint.
My list of creative fears
1) What if it’s not good enough?
I’m constantly seeing things I’ve created and in 6 months to a year I’m like, “That’s done. It’s done, I’m moving on.” What if I get burnt out on this? Is it possible to care about something, see it to fruition and then watch it die? That’s kind of scary.
2) What if it’s not successful as a business?
Success can be measured 1000 different ways, but I sometimes think of success as being monetarily successful.
3) What if it fails?
What if I give up? What if I can’t figure it out on my own and because of that, I give up on it? I’ve done that with so many things in my life, from writing, to acting, to painting, to a lot of things. I think that my fear of failure is the root of all of these fears.
4) What if it’s successful?
What if it’s TOO successful and it becomes a run-away train of crazy? Can I maintain that level of stress in my life? Some things will have to give. Am I ready to give up certain things to make something truly great? I like my life now. I try to avoid shaking things up. I’ve shaken things up in the past, and it’s never been good. I think I’ve lost most of my hair because of that.
5) What will people think?
For years, I’ve lied to myself and said I don’t care what people think. But to say that you don’t care about what people think, means that you don’t care about the people around you, which, maybe, for years I didn’t care about the people around me. I don’t know.
But I do care about what people think. And maybe I care a little too much. I seek out advice a lot of the times and I don’t really follow my own gut instinct. Maybe I should. I mean, no one’s really in this thing besides me and Kate. And I have her in my court. She’s for me 1000 percent of the time. Thank you, honey. 
The last thing that John Stanko referenced in his earlier Proverbs post was Luke 9:57-62. It was in reference to a man talking with Jesus and saying, “I’ll follow you whereever you go.” And Jesus said, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” And another person said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family.” And Jesus said, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Maybe I shouldn’t worry about the past or even what my mind based on past experience is telling me. After all, I’m repeating patterns that I’ve done for years and they’ve hindered my creative abilities and my creative output. So maybe I should just say something like,
The past is under my feet, and the future is before them.
