I have about 10 blog posts on this blog that I’ve never published. Ten blog posts where I’m in some state of mind where I’m down on myself, or struggling to get through the day or beating myself up about not being able to concentrate or whatever. Ten posts where I WANT to talk about how I’m feeling, but I don’t want to come across as self serving or grandiose and I don’t, at all costs, want pity. But I feel like I should say something… because let’s be honest, people don’t. Including me.
My mom died when I was 12 and to be honest my world turned to complete sh*t for a really really long time. I’ve been in therapy for the last two years dealing with past addictions and just accepting the general fact that I am a work in progress. Before that, I’ve been in therapy off and on since I was about 7 years old…. I was in a live-in treatment facility for depression at one point when all I wanted to do for a year was sleep. That was when I was 13-ish. I get it. I really really get it.
Last week, I found out that a fellow Dad in a Dad blogging group I’m in, who struggled with depression; committed suicide.
I don’t ever think I’ll do that. And I’m not writing this as some sort of alarmist post. AT ALL.
I’m writing this because people aren’t real with stuff. Including myself. For a real long time. I didn’t seek help for things and it became unhealthy and I coped with things in my life in some REALLY destructive ways. I’m getting help now. And I’ve honestly never been OK with my life, no matter what happened in it; until about a year and a half ago. Living for 33 ish years with some level of uncertainty and anxiety and “not giving a crap about myself or anyone else” is no way to live.
But I think about people who haven’t gotten help. Or the people who can’t get help. Or don’t even know what’s wrong. The people who wake up, see that the sun is shining but can’t feel it’s warmth. The people who laugh at all the jokes their friends make but are really really hurting inside and don’t want to bother anyone because “everyone has their own problems, mine are no better.” The people who deaden their pain with alcohol or drugs or gambling or ANYTHING that makes that dull pain in your chest from anxiety go away from 20 minutes, at best. The people who physically HURT. There’s a reason why in that commercial they say depression hurts. It does. You get tired. You’re unmotivated. Your sleep is jacked up. You don’t want to do anything. You’re unmotivated. Then you feel guilty that you’re not motivated. Which leads to more feelings of unworthiness which leads to bleh blafsnljf’ngklrs’gmnkl’gndsjg’bdsjkda klv’madk’vadmnl’kva…. You get what I mean.
My point to this is…. GET HELP. Find someone to talk to. Take the threads of angst and anguish and hurt and pain and start pulling that crap apart. If you’re worried about people finding out that you’re in counseling, or if you’re ashamed or whatever, don’t tell people where you’re going. Go on your lunch break. Find a friend who you can talk to. Heck, just write. Write in a journal and burn it. Record your voice into a tape recorder and then smash the tape. Or save it… and listen to it in a year and count your blessings and see where you’re at and see your progress.
Every day that you live with this, without getting help… you’re just falling. Reach outside of yourself and let someone catch you.
I had to do that. I had to have my wife, Kate help me realize that stuff was not well with me. That I needed to deal with pain and anger and stuff that I never dealt with. I couldn’t see it. I didn’t want to. It hurt too much. It was too much to deal with. You may not be able to. But to those of you who have someone in your life who is dealing with depression or things… help your loved ones get help.
The ten posts about depression from before were all just pain-filled long, sad, gut wrenching posts that didn’t make any sense. This may not make any sense either…. I dont know.. i just hope it helps one person.
The only thing I really wanna say is that if you are in pain, get treatment. If you see someone in pain, help them.
The life you live, and who you are…. you matter to the people around you. Having a family and a kid kind of puts that in perspective pretty easily… but even then, sometimes you need reminded that you matter.
YOU MATTER. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU MATTER! Please please please start the journey of seeking treatment… whatever that ends up looking like.
Below are some links to things about depression and suicide prevention that may help.
Tips for Dealing with Depression http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
Here’s an article about “self talk” (that inner monologue, where you question yourself and make yourself feel like crap? yeah, that’s an actual thing you can change.) http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/challenging-negative-self-talk/ http://www.depressiontoolkit.org/takecare/positive_self_talk.asp
If you’re in the Pittsburgh area, email me, I know counselors who specialize in this and can help.
Thanks for listening! I hope that my story, as much as I was willing to tell, helped in some way.
EDIT: I sent this to my wife, and she was wondering where the ten or so blog posts were. Ha! I may go back through and try to figure out what my feelings were and publish those as well.